Here we two are, locked in silent dance.
As our steps begin to circle,
I stumble.
I fall towards you and find nothing.
Maybe love is a game, but it’s weighted,
and I find I am blindfolded.
What does it mean,
this warmth in your touch.
I fear you will see through me
to these thoughts I hide.
I wonder if I cross your mind
as you linger in mine.
When you question what you’ve done,
and how you came this way,
does my smile hold back the dark?
Someday I will find my voice,
and you will know.
Until then, I follow the dance
and face one agony at a time.
The ground begins to crumble
and still I am blind.
Of all my fears, this only I ask:
Can you see our path,
or does darkness claim us both?
4 comments:
I think this is written very well. It is sad, but there's hope in it too. I know love "is blind" but sometimes it feels as if we are the blinded ones. I like it! I never knew you were such a romantic poet though. What other hidden talents do you have (besides reading with your eyes closed)?
oh she's got all sorts of hidden talents but se'll never/ maybe she will fess up
ok dear jeniakai. let see i like what you did with that 4th line. much nicer. the second stanza is by far my favorite. thoguh i'm still al ittle concerned about the last sentence of it. some how smile holding back dark to me doesn't fit the rest of the thoughts, but corect me if i'm wrong, i'vebeen wrong before (agony)i don't think that it is a depressing poem, agony filled yes, but not depressing or sad per se. its almost hopeful in a way, and i agree i hadno clue you were so romantic. ooh i like the way it ends. it is a much more deep and thought provoking ending than can you see where we're going? overall. i like it. op i just changed my mind about the smile holding back the dark. i like it. the word face with agony portrays the sentiment much clearer. good work at the end, it seems to be wanting for a slightly bettrer rythm, while path and both look like the ought to rhyme they definetly dont? not that that line should rhyme per se but maybe a different word than both. i think that sence it looks like it ought to rhyme maybe it throws the reader off? and i still don't like the title. read the last 3 lines out loud,"claim us both" jsut seems weird, though i really likethat concept. maybe a shorter way to say it? 2nd stnzais (!) mind/ mine feels a little funny. maybe soemthing more like "mind as you linger in my own?" or something like that?? no not my own.... i'm still thinking aobut this.. hmm that will take more thought. i think. well for now that's all i've got.
thanks guys. yeah, i don't usually write romantic in the this-is-love sense of the word. and hidden talents? what? nothing to fess up to there.
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