19.9.06
Will you let your fears define you?
In 10th grade we had to write a paper defining what fear meant to us. I didn't know what I was afraid of. Three years later, I realize I'm afraid of most everything. I feel like Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins when he tells Falcone "I'm not afraid of you." And Falcone replies, "Because you think you got nothing to lose. But you haven't thought it through." Perhaps I simply did not know enough at the time to realize I ought to be afraid. With my limited view of the world, I thought I was unshakable, invincible. I was wrong. I find myself so often wanting to stretch out, to touch things kept out of my reach by fear. Not to sound horribly cliche, but, fear is paralyzing. Apparently I'm in a movie quoting mood. Laverne, Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame. "Life's not a spectator sport. If watching is all you're gonna do, you're gonna watch your life go by without you." Too often I find myself on the sidelines as a mere observer, wishing I had instead been the instigator. I'm afraid of looking the fool. I give too much importance to making sure people have a good opinion of me. And yet isn't this a destructive circle? I'm so afraid of what people will think that I end up frozen, not doing anything, so all people see is a quiet little girl. I never give them a chance to see the real me. But the first step to fixing a problem is often recognizing that they exist. So who knows, maybe someday I'll learn to put myself back together, maybe into something that better than before.
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3 comments:
Sounds like you need to hop off that escalator of life, my friend. While the stairs are harder, they are definitely more worth it and show you that there really isn't so much to fear after all. Look at me going all philosophical on you. Good job quoting Batman. There are many lessons to be learned from a good watching of Batman, like how to be invisible, fly, and make cool costumes. The only things I'm missing are the billions of dollars and excessive free time to play in a cave...
It's always hard to break out of an uncomfortable mold. What I think would work just amazing for myself (but which I have yet to carry out) is blatant destruction of others notions by ridiculous behavior.
Maybe yell "washcloth" or "high fidelity loan" at random intervals in conversation... I don't know, incoherent noises seem to be popular these days... If you are feeling particularly brave, you could always go for a physical action (jumping the kitchen/ living room counter).
I'm here to break the string of J-named people. That's all.
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