Remember to breathe

I find my kitchen has suddenly exploded from a place of quiet solitude to a flurry of travel, energy replenishment, and social engagements.

I am constantly amazed by the amount and effort and time it takes each day just to maintain. Every day I have to sleep, make and eat food, complete morning and evening preparations, write in my journal, check and read several blogs, write my own blog, read and respond to emails, stay up to date on Facebook, make phone calls, and on and on. That's a huge chunk of time there. And yes, not all of those are necessities to life, there are some I could skip, and some days I do. But unfortunately, the ones I can skip are the ones I do because I enjoy them. So most days I end up spending a disstressingly large portion of the day on maintaining, and then with the time that's left over, I have to scrabble to do other things. Class, homework, shopping, meetings, all of that. I feel rather like Alice during her adventures through the looking-glass, when she comes upon a life size chessboard, where all the landmarks stay stationary, but the ground beneath you is rapidly slipping away. She's told that in order to stay where she is, she must run as fast as she can, and should she ever want to get anywhere, she must run at least twice as fast.

The brain has a remarkable amount of influence over the body, which can be very good... or very bad. All my life I've been told that people need 8 hours of sleep each night, and despite my best efforts, if I know I've gotten less than 8 hours of sleep, I feel tired, even if physically and mentally I'm not tired. The same is true of food. My body tells me I need to eat food when the traditional breakfast, lunch, and dinner hours roll around, even if I know I'm not really hungry. If I know my homework is not due for several days, no amount of pleading, threatening, and cajoling self-talk can make me focus as effectively as I will with only a few hours to the deadline. While taking a psychology test early today and thinking I would run out of time, I completed the first quarter of the test at record speed, but when I realized I wouldn't be pressed for time after all, my pace slowed significantly. If I fret too much about hitting a high note when I sing, I'll almost certainly miss it. If suspect I'll act badly during a social encounter, its almostly certainly bound to go sour. And all the while I know its my own fault, and its all in my head, but trying to convince yourself that reality is other than what life experience has taught you is hard.

I posted another poem. Some of you may have seen it. Oh, and if you didn't know, I post a little blurb explaining bits (history, method or meaning) about the poem up at the top.

Its an awful feeling to worry about how your friends view you, to worry about the time spent with them for fear that you'll overstay your welcome and become and irritant. What if they get tired of having you around and the whole friendship sours over a few hours too many? What if comments you meant in jest are taken the wrong way and cause hurt? What if you're misreading their actions, or they yours, or perhaps both at the same time? Where do you find the courage to tell them that today, you need something more, and the faith that they'll look you in the eye and stick by you? When does it become okay to ask them to tell you what's really going on, not just the crap excuse they feed the world? How do you find the energy to continually throw into the relationship to keep it from stagnating, day after day, come rain or shine? How can anyone live with all of that inside?

I don't want to be afraid anymore.