In the future, I will change

I have yet to learn how to look at everyone in the same light. If I could look at my family the same way I look at my friends, I would laugh often and stop hiding. Whereas I rarely become angry with my friends, it is all too easy for me to start snapping at my family members. Logically, I know that my brothers are young and still have a lot to learn. But for some reason that knowledge doesn't keep me from wanting to attack them every time they start repeating themselves until you pretend to think they're witty, or they keep interrupting conversation to add their own irrelevant insight, or they're whistling some little Christmas tune over and over again while tapping some nondescript rhythm and then ask you to guess what it is. I love my brothers, I really do, but I just seem to lose sight of the bigger picture. I always come home with the intent to be so good. "This time," I tell myself, "I will not allow myself to get sucked in to that trap. I won't go back to being short-tempered and irritable. I'm going to be patient and friendly and we're just going to have a good time and all be friends." Well, that lasts for a little while. And then I start getting restless and irritable again. They ask a simple question and I snap back in a totally uncalled for fashion. And yet I know that if my friends were to ask the same questions, I would calmly answer the question and life would move on. I think its important to learn to work with people of all types, and find ways to cope with those you find most irritating. Ideally, we would love everyone, but I don't think I'm quite to that point yet. I would settle for being polite and considerate to them all. I know I'm capable of it, because I've seen those same characteristics manifest in other situations. It's all just a state of mind.

Isn't it funny that sometimes our natural reaction is in exact opposition to the ideal course of action? Think about people. Doubtless you've met someone who you found horribly irritating. Someone entirely too smug who somehow, unbelievably, seemed to see themselves as this angelic being. The initial reaction is to bring them down, to squelch that little smirk on their face and show them that they're not clever and perfect and in fact they are incredibly annoying. And yet often, it is that kind of treatment that created this persona. They've been stepped on for years, and so they've adopted this face in the attempt to cover up some of their failings and save what self-esteem they have left to themselves. And here you come again to knock them down into the mud.

One of these days, people will answer their phones when I call them, and if they say, "let me call you back in a minute," they will actually call me back.

"And tonight I walk through an empty street with my shadow stretching in front of me where my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet and the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life." -Sherwood

I'm getting my wisdom teeth extracted tomorrow. I think the name has something to do with the fact that they come in later, at some point when supposedly you would be old enough to have gathered some wisdom. So does that mean that if they never come in, you're doomed to be a fool? I'm never giving mine a chance to come in on their own, but I'm told that if I left them alone, they'd likely never come in. Bad enough to live your life as a fool, but cruel of them to take away my hope while I'm still so young.

I think I'm more nervous about this whole wisdom teeth thing then I realize. I really don't think it's going to be that big a deal, though I'm not looking forward to the pain and the dietary restrictions. I can't say I'll suffer too much from starvation though. I've never seen a pantry so well stocked with chocolate pudding. And today I went to the store and got some of my favorite soups, and some smoothie essentials. However, the entire day I've been edgy and stressed. I keep snapping at people and I've been feeling really restless. In short, I'm acting like I'm really nervous about this upcoming operation, even though I don't anticipate any problems, and the oral surgeon explained everything wonderfully. I actually like him, which is saying something, as I dislike most of the doctors I have. But I'm still a bit agitated. Why oh why did I never learn to meditate?