When the dream is over

This morning I spent an hour and twenty minutes trying to wake up. I had very strange, complicated, and many-layered dreams. Unfortunately, on realizing how long I had overslept, I started up rather suddenly, and forgot all about the dreams I had been having.

I've been dreaming a lot lately, both literally and metaphorically. Particularly at night. I've been dreaming about people from my past. I keep thinking about people I know in a way I know I don't actually feel. It's really getting kind of annoying. No matter how much I try to argue with myself or tell myself I'm just being silly and I'll regret it later, those strange thoughts always come creeping back. It's kind of easy to idealize people you're not around. Although I've also had it go the other way. People who I've left on a bad note have sometimes grown worse in my mind. But I'm fairly convinced that if I'd met them again it would have been a very easy matter to smooth things over and look favourably on them again.

I've also been dreaming of the future. I'm coming up to an important crossroads: graduation. I only have a short time left at college, and there's still so much left to do. I start thinking about all the things that I want to do, or try, and frankly, I think I'm over-estimating my capacity. I think if I actually try to do all the things I would like to, I'll just exhaust myself, or be stressed out to the point of not enjoying anything.Somewhere I have to make choices about what I want to learn from a professor, and what I'll have to teach myself.

The time after college isn't any simpler. Where do I go? What do I do? What path do I want to pursue? How am I going to support myself? What dream am I following, and is it even reasonable? I have some pretty fantastic thoughts at night. Sometimes I think I'm dreaming outside of my sphere. I've always been a pretty small individual, moving in a very quiet sphere. But I dream of greater things, of having a voice and making a difference. Late at night, it always seems like a great idea. But by the light of day, I have to ask myself, is that really something I could do? Would it make me happy? I don't know. Maybe that's just not my world.

I seem to be stuck in a rather restless dream, which only becomes more confusing over time. No doubt I'll wake up sooner or later, and all the confusion I'm feeling right now will be no more remembered than the vanished dream of last night. Morning always comes eventually. Real, solid, sensible life goes on.