Being human

Okay fine, I'll admit it. I'm stressed. I don't think there's anything really wrong with this, or anything usual or irrational about my being stressed. After all, I recently discovered that I have at least one test every week between now and the end of the semester, and frequently a paper as well, all in addition to all my regular readings and labs and many hours of physics homework. But really I'm just complaining, because its still nearly as bad as a real job would be. Which doesn't really make me very excited to finish college and get out into the "real world".

This is the problem with thinking.

I have a tendency to be pretty hard on myself. I've heard a lot of people say its not necessary to be a perfectionist, that as long as you're doing your best, that's enough. And I'm really not much of a perfectionist. Don't be deceived by what I say. I'm a lot harsher on myself in my conversations than I actually am in my head. I also tend to make things sound worse than they actually are. I swear, I'm not as screwed up as I sometimes sound.

The problem with "just do your best" is that you're never really doing your best. You could always do something better. But the problem is, you're only human, and you can only do so many things at once. If you're doing one thing better, something else is going to have to suffer as a result. So the question is, what's it going to be? Where are your priorities? If I decide to keep my apartment cleaner, I have less time for schoolwork. If I spend more time meeting the people in my complex, I have less time for scripture study. With a finite amount of time, something's going to have to take a hit. And its difficult when you have to decide between two very worthwile pursuits. But I know there's a lot of things I do that aren't necessarily useful. Blogging, for instance, or writing, watching movies, surfing the internet, painting my nails, or any of a million other little things that are nice, but when you really think about it, not very useful. When I think about all the other things I could accomplish if I just cut those out of my life, I feel a little disgusted with myself. Can I honestly say I'm doing my best while still spending the amount of time I do on Facebook? Think of all the things I could accomplish by making use of all those little pockets of wasted time.

But then again, could I really?

Could I really function like that? If I was so intensely focused all the time? Or would I just exhaust myself? The body does need time to regroup, and the mind to refresh itself. And it may be that if I tried to force myself to use every minute of the day, I might just collapse. Certainly, I think I could be doing much much more than I am. And I could probably find ways of arranging my schedule so that I didn't burn myself out. For instance, taking a break from physics to fold laundry as opposed to watching television. It still gives your mind a break, but you also get something useful accomplished. Of course, I don't think this works in all situations. I think that sometimes its important to do something that's not in anyway related to work or anything stressful. Sometimes you've just got to give yourself a chance to relax. Especially if you're like me and after a while the tension just starts building up inside and sapping all your energy.

So where does that leave us? I think figuring out where your personal best lies is a difficult thing. You do have to be realistic in your expectations. You'll always be able to think of something you could do to be better, but you'll never have anymore than 24 hours in a day. Any extra time you take to do better in one area is less time you'll have for another area. And you can't forget that you do have physical, mental, and emotional limits. It's important to keep all aspects of your self healthy. Obviously I don't have an easy answer for this, or I'd be a much better person than I am today. I think ultimately it comes down to priorities and self-discipline. You have to know what's important to you, and decide where you're going to spend your time and efforts. Once you have your priorities, it takes desire, discipline, and dedication to stick to what you've decided is important, regardless of whatever distractions, be they good or bad, may come along.