Lack

The most frustrating thing about being creative is knowing that you are, and then trying to do something creative and failing.

I recently realized something about myself and relationships. I will never be able to have a relationship with someone if I don't think they're on my level. And quite frankly, I don't know why that person would want to be in a relationship with me either. Who wants a relationship where you're constantly made to feel inferior? It doesn't even really matter whether or not the disparity is real. What matters is the way you act. And if I felt I was on a higher level than they were, whether or not it was true, I would probably try and take too much responsibility and control, and that's not right. In a relationship, you want to be able to let people do things for themselves, and feel they they are strong capable individuals. People are looking for partners, not mothers.

There have been a couple of times where I've liked a guy, but then ended up feeling like he needed to be helped. Like he wasn't quite there yet in a few places, and I took it upon myself to help bring him up. It doesn't work that way. And at the time, of course, I didn't really realize what was going on. I kept hoping that somehow it would work out. But of course it didn't. It couldn't. God created Eve as a help meet for Adam, as an individual worthy and equal to him. And thats the way its been designed to be ever since. We are searching for a partner and an equal.

I am at a lonely period in my life. My mother has told me this several times, and I think it's true. I am at an age where I have an interest in the opposite sex, and a desire to share my life with someone (not necessarily in a marriage sort of way, but in an intimate relation sort of way) but as of yet, I haven't found anyone that I'm interested in who is simultaneously interested in me. And looking back, I don't think any of the ones I've ever been interested in were really quite as wonderful as I originally thought. And I guess I could be wrong, but I kind of imagine that the kind of person I'm looking for is the kind of person who day by day I keep realizing is even more wonderful than I once thought. So far, no fairytale prince for me, so I'm alone.

Well, not really alone, obviously. I have lots of friends, and family, and they're all wonderful and they're all there for me. But it's really not the same. When we're children, our family, and especially our parents, are the most important relationships in our lives. As we get older, our friends begin to take on a more prevalent role. Then somewhere in the teenage years we start looking at the opposite sex and going on dates, and perhaps even dating someone. And yet the friends still maintain a very important role. Even though you're dating someone, you still rely a lot on your friends for talking and sharing and support. Then at some point there seems to be a shift towards looking for a true partner and equal, someone you want to be with for the rest of your life, and who you can rely on for anything and share everything with.

Lacking an exclusive relationship, I still rely primarily on my family and friends. But there is a part of me that craves an intimate relationship. And it can be frustrating at times, when you see people around you happily dating and marrying, while you're still single. Most of the time, I'm fine with being single. I like my life. But that doesn't mean I don't still think about it sometimes. It still gets me down sometimes.

I wonder what it would be like to be extraordinarily gifted. Would you appreciate your gift? Or would you resent always being set apart from other people, and always being so pressured?