Well would you look at me. Home for the summer and no job, and I still can't manage to blog.
I really intended to do some writing this summer. You know, like short stories, or a novel, or at least some essays or something. Thus far, I've written exactly... nothing. I can't even get my reading done. Reading and writing actually really do go hand in hand... in order to be a good writer you have to do a lot of reading, to understand how a story works, how characters, plot, description, foreshadowing, dialogue, internal monologue, chapter divisions, audience, and all that good stuff works together. Anyway, I have a whole list of books. Mostly they're those "classics" that everyone but me seems to have read in high school. The Great Gatsby, The Grapes of Wrath, Lord of the Flies, Catch-22, Farenheit 451, 1984, Brave New World, The Old Man and the Sea, Wuthering Heights. You know the list. And then of course, there's my list of fiction books that I want to read (or reread). The Golden Compass, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, The Goblin Wood, Fairest, Carrie, Sense and Sensibility, The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul, The Once and Future King, and so many many others. I also have a whole book of personal essays that I meant to take a stab at. And then the other day I went to the library to pick up some books on music and computers, and happened to drift through the fiction section, only to emerge five minutes later with nine new books. But I haven't read anything, and certainly haven't written anything.
I have commitment problems. Whenever people try to get me to schedule things or commit to be somewhere, I find myself trying everything to worm out of it. That doesn't mean that I won't come, or won't do what I'm supposed to, it just means I don't want to positively promise to you. Maybe I'm afraid of disappointing people. If I haven't promised you anything, and then I fall short, well, you weren't expecting to much anyway. Or maybe I just don't like thinking that far in advance. I'm very loathe to plan an entire week's worth of dinners at one time. Sunday just seems like such a far way from Monday morning. Or it could be that I know there may be better options later on, and I don't want to miss out because I'm tied down with other obligations. This may in fact be the most likely option. I've been going to college for over two years, and have yet to definitively pick a major. I've been and tried for many different majors, but inevitably it doesn't work out. It's not because I couldn't do it, it's just that I'm not sure it's the best option. I want my career to be perfect, to be something that I truly love doing. And I'm petrified that I'm going to commit one thing and get a long way along that path, only to discover that another option would have been better, and I just didn't know enough about it.
I was actually doing pretty well this time. I've been decisive about the English major for over 10 months. And then just yesterday I had a pretty major alternate-career-options scare. I mean, is this really what I want to be doing? I love English and all, but what am I really going to do with it? I could be an editor, or write for a magazine, or work in a publishing house, or be a lawyer. And I'm sure any of those could be good. But what about all my other interests? I may never do anything with math and science again. There's still so much I don't know, and college is my best chance to learn it, here where I have no other distractions, where I can learn from people who really know what they're talking about. I could be a doctor. I could totally be a doctor. I know I'm smart enough, and can work hard, and could handle weird hours. It could be really cool to be a doctor. And what about computers? I was way into computer science for a few semesters, and I really enjoyed it, and was good at it. I am completely overwhelmed by the number of things I will never be able to learn or experience or understand in this life.
I know I make decisions every day, and those decisions close off and open up millions of possibilities, but this is such a big decision, with such obvious consequences. It scares me.
Sometimes change takes a while.
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